Vox Hunt: [this is <3]

This is one of my favorite pics.  It is of my grandpa & I a couple years back.  My grandpa is one of my favorite people, he truly brings so much joy to my life.  Ours is a "love" story that goes wwwwaaaayyy back, let me tell you about it. 

I was born a preemie. 2 months early and my mom said i looked like a skinny chicken baby.  I was jaundiced, thin, and tiny. When my mom asked grandpa if he'd like to hold me he said "NO!" and looked frightened at the prospect of breaking my tiny little self.

Grandpa retired two days after I was born and when my mom finally went back to work (after I had become chunky chubster baby) he would come over each day to watch me. I obviously don't remember this early in life, but Grandpa was obviously my bestest even then.  Mom still blames him for my affinity with sleeping in.  She says he'd lay on the floor under my crib and wait until I woke up to start each day.  He'd dance me to sleep to country songs. In the church nursery, I'd be fine cooing bye-bye to mom  or dad, but grandpa knew to avoid peeping in and starting the waterworks.

My grandparents lived next door, so this convenient set-up continued into my childhood.  Grandpa would come over to watch me each day and we'd do puzzles or play with my stuffed animals, hide-and-go-seek, take me on bike rides in a little baby seat he strapped on the back of his bike. I remember all these things and especially the game we'd play each day as he left when I'd run to lock the door and jump on his feet, trying to keep him from leaving. 

As I got older I'd go over there more often too.  They got cable & I'd watch Nick or the Disney Channel, eat dinner with grandma and grandpa, watch boxing matches with him, and play that game where you connect the dots trying to make the most boxes. He'd be waiting in the driveway in his van to take me and my lil' sis out to eat after school. We were spoiled rotten with the candy, little debbie's, and sipping on soda pops in no short supply at their house. 

My grandpa was always kind of forgetful, but after my grandma died, things got worse.  He was diagnosed with dementia.  Hearing the word is one thing, experiencing its effects is another. 

The first time I had to recognize that something was really really wrong, I was in my first year of college.  I was only 20 minutes away from home but living in the dorms.  I was home at least once a week, more often twice or all weekend and, of course, everytime i am home, it's my mission to see grandpa. 

Anyways I got a call from my mom that grandpa had kind of freaked out, accusing her of stuff all angry and irritated.  I was worried, so I drove home as soon as I could.  When I got over there, I went straight to grandpa's.  I was kind of scared after what they had told me but I knocked on the door anyways.  When he opened up he gave me a big hug and started crying.  It was one of the saddest moments in my life. I'd never seen my grandpa cry before. He said he was sorry for yelling at them, he didn't know what was wrong.  All I could do was try to comfort him and stay with him as long as I could.  When I went to leave he started crying again and said how much he missed me when I was away. This just broke my heart, I felt so terrible, and all I could do was hug him, tell him it would be alright that I would visit as often as I could, and drive back to the school.

Over the years things have kind of leveled out. It still hurts because he's not the grandpa I used to know. He's the same man, but more like a child. My biggest fear is that I will come home one day and my grandpa won't recognize me anymore.  I hope he'll recognize my name "Amanda Jane" after the mother he loved so dearly.  Maybe he'll recognize my knock or maybe I'll just have to be content to be some nice lady that really likes to visit him a lot.

When I think about it, it's strange, this role reversal. I've become that "adult" who comes over to care for him and spend time with him.  I'm the one putting the country music on that I know he enjoys so much.  I'm the one who doesn't want to leave but has to and I'm the one he doesn't like to see leave at the end of the day. I worry constantly about his health and happiness. 

Did you ever hear that quote from Winnie the Pooh "If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you."  That's how I feel towards grandpa.  That is love.